Dancing feelings

I hear the sound that the silent people cannot hear, the beat moves with my heart, my mind starts to question... what is wrong with you? I don't respond, all I do is dance to my feelings.

My heart is the only instrument that understands the melody, my feet are just following, while my hands are just flowing in the air, my hair is swaying like the rivers of my home land, the Xhosa land.

If I understood what was going on I would be telling a story, the children would be surrounding me, listening, but now my feelings are just dancing.

The soul is so quiet, watching from a distance, only it can respond to what my mind is asking... it is silent because it is taught to do so, it is quiet because it was told to do so.

My feelings are dancing to what my heart is playing, if the music was sad then I'd be crying, if the music was happy then I'd be laughing, but I'm just trapped.

It's easier to unfold my hands, than to unfold my soul. Let the beats roll, and let the soul dance to the tunes until it learns to let go.

Moving on... Facing reality

One of those days when you sit and think to yourself, why does the clock have to tick all the time, that why don't things ever stop for a while. We often ask ourselves these things when we find ourselves dwelling in the past. A while ago when I was doing metric I met this friend, we got along so well, we shared memories and the best part was that we got to see each other everyday because of school. She could tell when something was bothering me when we would be laughing with the crowed she could tell if I'm not happy. She sensed many odd things when something has gone wrong. You meet someone for a year, and you are never going to see them again, it was our last year of school and we had to path and find ourselves into the new world outside high school. She kept on losing weight, but we thought it was just normal. After metric we spoke a few times, as time went by there were no more talks, or getting in touch. In almost two years, I hear from another friend of mine that she is sick and that she is losing more weight than before. I then hear that the cause of it all is cancer. I froze and felt guilty for not keeping in touch the whole time. Then finally I got the urge to just greet her via a social network, I tried to act as normal as possible. We continued having normal chats as though nothing is wrong. What had struck me the most is that this person doesn't have much time left, this person didn't tell me personally about the illness, and here I am pretending to be okay as if I know nothing. It brought me into tears, it amazed me how easily we found our friendship and how easily we let it slip away, but actually how difficult it is to let go. How I was afraid to ask "how are you?", knowing she is not well, knowing she is dying. I kept on asking myself that maybe she is too afraid to tell me about it, that she thinks I wouldn't handle the bad news well. Yet on the other side I kept thinking to myself that if I tell her I know she will get more sick because she will worry. But if you notice all I've said is "Me" "I", what about her? Who is there for her in this hard time? How is she coping with the fact that each day is slowly fading from her life? As I opened my year book (metric) I read the message she wrote there, how each word came to me rolling like a storm, how it hit me hard as though I was just in that moment when she wrote it. It is one thing to hear about someone's death (something that had happened) , it is totally another when they are in the process, and there is nothing you can do to help. All you do is to keep on praying, that is what our grandmothers and mothers have taught us. A little voice creeps out and just whispers that "there is always hope", as though the cancer will disappear. Knowing very well that all you can do is just be there for the person, show them love, and gratitude for adding a value in your life. Finding that strength to face them and helping them face the difficulties of this life. It then comes to mind that life is not cruel, it may be unfair at times, but it is just here to teach us, that every situation is a scenario, you must study it well. You just have to continue to make your goals and achieve them, knowing that you are also doing it for those who can't. Taking each opportunity with both hands. Moving on knowing it was/is never your fault, but nature intended it to be so. Being greatful for life.

World of Poetry

If I could wake up in a world of poetry
Never would I have to compare and complain
For it is plain clear
That we share the words of writing

IF I COULD Wake up in a world of poetry
Never would I fear
For I tear the history of my past
Without a tear touching my delicate chics

IF I COULD wake up in a world of poetry
Mistery wouldn't be history
For we would be dancing to different
Rhythms of misery

IF I COULD wake up in the world of poetry
The words would define peace
From those broken pieces
Of our vase's
That hold together lillies


By: Yamkela Sigwili

loss of July

Tomorrow on the 16th of July marks the day my grandmother left this world. I'm only saying grandmother to clearify, but that woman was my mother, never have I called her grandma. I was her first grand-daughter, and that makes me pround. The most painful part about death is having to replace words such "she is" with "she was". At first you are indenial, and consider a now. But then later along the way you start to learn to talk in past tense. The pain that takes over when I think of her. I know one thing for sure, she died a proud person, for she raised strong people. Multiple times have I failed to say or write anything about her. This is the first time. As she is resting and watching from above, I want her to know that she is dearly treasured. I wrote a personal poem for her  

MY GRANDMOTHER 

Lilly flower she named me
Planted in her hands
I was just a seed
Go on now bloom
My lilly flower 
Dazzle the world
I'm puzzled by such beauty
However I'm complete
The glass may break into pieces
But I shall mould you
Because you are a blessing
I sing the tunes about my lilly
I dance in the garden where I may guide you
Her voice and mine
In a valley 
Where her imagination ran
About her flower
My little lilly flower
She would say
Go on now bloom
Dazzle the world
I'm puzzled by such beauty
However I'm complete!
...................................................................... 
I miss her, words don't begin to describe the feeling. The joys I've had with her. Rest in peace mama wam.

Strength of a family

When one person holds the whole family together, when their gone, it all falls apart. That person is mostly a woman, with grey hair. Wisdom to guide, cherished when no longer there. When a family is most filled with girls, the relationship gets ruined when their teens, when the other is irresponsible and the other reliable. When the other is the most quiet. How they would fight about silly things that later on count against them when they are all grown. A mother who is always there to stop their fights, who always prays, takes them to church, then prepares a feast for a real get together for  sunday lunch. How the two girls would fight and "mama" always there to stop it, when the third daughter is just quiet. When they are all grown, when "mama" has turned grey hair, how the third daughter is still quiet, how the two never stopped fighting. When grand kids are affected, forced to be apart, observing all the negative energy, and yet still manage to put those cute smiles on their faces. How it would make mama happy having all her kids around the table, to her it doesn't matter much about the arguments. She is most concerned about the quiet daughter, she never says how she feels, "everything is okay" she would say. When the woman with grey hair numbers are numbered, laying at the hospital, nothing she can do. The fist that folded the hands can't hold them no more. When fighting never stops, when they don't visit each other no more, they bump into each other where the old woman is resting. A part of the old lady wants to be set free and leave this earth, for she has had enough. But another wants to stay, hoping when she wakes up, she can fix things. What would change this time around? None of them are showing gratitude. Silence never made peace, except tear ones soul apart, shouting never solved a thing, except raising noise. A woman with grey hair is tired, she wonders where has she gone wrong? Just because bricks are building up, it doesn't necessarily mean they are stable. Years gone by, bad habits grew. Does one bring it all down and starts building or does one try to shape it up. Trust broken between siblings, who fixes it, how? The old lady needs love, the woman with grey hair is tired, she has had enough. She did all she could, till she couldn't no more. If you have an old lady who needs to be cherished, loved, prayed for, then do so. She is tired, its time you fight for her, its time you said something, its time you lowered your voice, its time you let children be, differences are fine, total different is not good. If sisters of one household don't get along, where does it leave the rest of the world? The old lady is tired, let her soul rest, don't make life make that decision for you, she is tired!

Have you found your purpose, what are you waiting for?

Have you found your purpose, what are you waiting for?....  I would like to believe that we do live in a world of possibilities. Impossiblities are what we face only by the word of mouth from someone else. Prosperities are what we long for when we standing and hoping that one day is one day. Reaching a destination is not about stopping, it is about learning about that certain environment. Many people ask the question "what do you do when you reach your dream?" and many will answer "dream another one"... I ask "really...another one?" "what have you done with that dream that it is being disposed?" "would you go that far only when you get it you drop it?". When finding gold, you need to manufacture it, make something out of it that is valuable, that was worth the effort, that makes you realise that is was worth that extra mile. Have you really found your purpose? I'm not talking about something that pleases other people, but that gives you pleasure. If you have found your purpose don't stop there, make a brand out of that cloth. If a shirt was made from it, maybe it's time you make a skirt, better yet add another purpose to that one. There is nothing wrong in dreaming another dream after you have reached it, but don't neglect it, add to it. You would be surprised if you went through my list, and you will be surprised of the few I've achieved and you will wonder if "will that girl reach them all", yes, at the back of my mind I already have. That is the attitude one needs to carry, it sounds like its a lot of work, but it reduces the load. Today I discovered that the roads we walk are similar but however NOT the same. Let someone inspire you to be you, to be the best you can be. After all originals always take the frame, copies are passed on to every hand, but never last, copies are all worth the same. Originals land in few hands. If you haven't found your purpose what are you waiting for? I often regard dreams and wishes different. For me a wish is my impossibility that I'm okay with (Like dreaming of dating my favourite musician, or flying, or wishing I could hear someone's thoughts), they bring out the fun, humourous characters in me. Dreaming is where I find my possibility, where things are more real, that happen in reality. Yes I have entered for competitions, no haven't won them all. But that is the best phase, you prepare as though your life depends on it, you get rejected, but within that you get improvement, you start to realise that it is preperation. Remember before you go out there to perform, you practise many times only for one show. So don't let three rejections make you lose your purpose, keep your eyeball on the line. Keep on aiming, be glad you missing, because you correct yourself for the next move, and soon you will be scoring. You don't just learn for your own purpose, you learn to teach, to couch, to guide. What is your purpose? What are you doing with it? If you don't have one, what are you waiting for?

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day, these strong beautiful human beings are being spoilt today. We cheris and love them most, we might not tell them by day, but today is the day to actually show them how much they mean to us. We don't just wish those who gave birth to us but to those many women in the world. As we are rejoice, some people are looking back to what was, we do not just celebrate to those who are alive, but to those we once shared memories with. There are people who don't have mothers and that wish for a hour to spend with them. It is an eye opening to those who have mothers, that you must start appreciating that woman. Some don't even know how it is to have a mother, but we are in a society where we are raised by our aunts, by our grandmothers, by gardians, even them are our moms and we must show them how much they add a value to our lives. There are parents who are watching as other children hug and kiss their mothers, for they don't have kids of their own, some have medical conditions, some are just not mothers yet and some lost their kids to death. Other woman's kids ran away from home, they still have hope that they will return, even those woman are our mothers too. This day is to celebrate and enjoy. It means more, for we are talking about our heroes, a person who would jump at anything to save you. A person who loves you dearly, a person who watches you make your own mistakes in life, but are there to correct and guide you. I'm talking about a person who wakes up every morning to put bread on the table, a person who provides of which is more than giving but with a pure heart. A person who is hurting and is able to smile at you, a person who droped you at school when you were young and went on their knees just to give you a hug and a kiss, not caring whether they're still going to work. Who held you at night when you had nightmares. Who is able to give you tough love. Happy Mothers Day to you dear beloved. There are many songs we dedicate to you about a woman, a mother and a friend. Mothers are brave enough to let their children to go and discover the world, watches you as you fall, as you rise and as you achieve. They are proud even if you fail to score. Moms hate to see their kids cry, but they prefare that they cry than to hold pain in, nothing kills them more than the silence of their kids. Mothers are our energy, our water, our air. They are natural, never do we pretend when they are near. We indeed do love you mothers of the world. And we shall forever need them, even thou we don't show it at times, they stay close, and live in our hearts. Happy Mothers Day!

A girl like me

The fact that a girl like me comes from a small town in EC and have tasted the big cities of this continent means something. The fact that a girl like me has seen herself in a magazine article, no matter how small it was, shows decication and determination. The fact that a girl like me is able to stand infront of a crowed and recite a poem means there is after a worrior inside me, a brave soul. The fact that a girl like me has passion to write SA stories, they raw truth, I give facts, motions and show compassion, I might not solve x, but I do show the formula for it. That fact that a girl like me knows how to spare moments, knows how to enjoy good ones, tries to deal with bad one shows I take note to life. The fact that a girl like has goals to score, tells that I do play well in this field, I'm the champion but I am a participater, I don't warm the bench, I strive. The fact that a girl like me is raised by brave human beings, braught up by a single mom, who has a backbone, who would jump at anything to save me, tells that I am blessed. That fact that a girl like me is only at her teens but already making a difference, shows what leaders we will be having tomorrow. So tell me what fact is about you? That fact that a girl/guy like is.

AN EMPTY FIST

We are always holding on to something, then we start to realise that you were holding nothing, just an empty fist, what was there long faded. We fear so much to even open the hand because we think what is there might escape, many things leave us physically, but the psychological part of the mind still believes it's there. We do not lose touch with reality, we lose touch with fantasy, we don't believe in dreams because of what had happened. We don't even know where pain lives, for each part aches. Eyes lost their clear vision for tears always over flooding. Yet we still hold on because we think there is something worth holding, we feel as thou it's still there because the flesh touches each other, the palm is feeling pressure. Maybe we fear opening because we know that there is no more... I don't want to associate with anything, I want you to relate to what you know causes the mutuality. Our brains are connected to the heart, that is why at times we don't know which one is right, there is a personification within a connection that makes each statement seem true. This is like a multiple choice, either there is one right, or one wrong and all of them right, or all of the above wrong. But through it all, one has to make the tick, one has to circle and one has to make a mark. Each wrong is a subtraction to the total mark. Complexities are what each face on their phases in life. I won't tell you not to hold on, maybe that is what keeps you going through the days or years, maybe that hope is the one telling you not to give in. Atleast a good still comes out of it. But you might want to consider opening that hand, not to free it and leave it empty, but for it to assist you in carrying the packages you deal with!

Unfolding the blinded side

My thoughts spoke to me, my actions spoke for me, my writing narrated as my eyes witnessed, my feelings executed and you are receiving... Something hit me today, it hit me hard that it hurt, how much attention is paid to youg girls, young boys go through similar phases and we have the mentality that boys are just boys. I refuse to use the word guys or men at this point, because they are all inner boys, and they need to be heard, I'm talking to those who are boys, to those parents, to those friends, to those siblings, listen..... Dear young boy, we know about your struggles too, girls are known as people who cry, I know you try not to, it might be tears you think you locking, but it's actually pain you lock inside, those tears will set you free if you unlock... Dear young boys, we know girls have bff's to talk to, even journals, but amajita (guys) just tell you "hade ntwana" (sorry dude) and that's the end of it. You also need someone who will listen to you, no matter how ridiculous it might be, girls cry over such things often, and it helps... Dear young boys, there is no use to hide, you are not hiding alone, your troubles are with you, reveal yourself and let's see which trouble will be left, that will remain behide. Troubles are cowards, once you start facing them, they run away, don't keep them... Dear young boys, we know you also lose valuable things and people in your life. If you speak through rap, then do so, if you speak through dance, do so, if you speak through writing, do so. Losing people in your life is not easy, don't let silence close your mouth, open the gap and breathe in a world of pure humanity, don't think because you're a guy, you can't offload. Dear young boys, we don't know your secrete, but we will know it if you are willing to talk and we will find solutions. Many young boys get raped on daily basis, they are abused, left homeless, neglected and made feel less as men, standing up doesn't just give you confidence, you know...being "the guy", standing up is letting your pain sit down, for you are showing it who is the teacher. Dear young boys, your swag is nothing compared to the weight in the bag on your back. Talk let the man in you survive, don't seek for a role model, be one. And finally dear you, choose awareness not ignorance.

FRIENSHIPHOOD

I'm learning that frienship isn't like a stone that if you leave it there you will still find it, it is a plant that you need to water, it dies the moment you stop caring for it. Distance does put a strain because sometimes you don't want to talk, just having your friends around to be there physically. Distance isn't to blame, there are social networks, even if they are online, there is no greeting, it's fading away like a mist, but mists fade to clear, this friendship fades to darkness. I remember how the four of us swore and made atruce that distance is nothing but a meter, maybe times 100, but still it doesn't count because love is stronger. Well it was something related to that. We tried to make movie dates, but one always cancelled, make another date to go to one of our houses but again some would withdraw. That was when I realised that with change, no matter how hard you try to make things stay the same, priorities change, even if yours don't, theirs' do. Memories are there to be a reminder, to always go through them if you want to cheer up, but these...these are just images, words are just words, you just wonder if they were meant. Especially when you realise that you are the one who always tried to make effort. When you stop, nothing and no one continues, you then begin to question. At the beginning of other new frienships you don't bother much because they are so much fun, but as time goes you realise that there is so much more that is missing, yes it's no competition, or comparison, but you realise that isn't much in common. Then I'd write in ma journal and tell, but now I write in my journal and that is it. One of those awkward moments when it is obvious that you are not on their A list, that you don't even see yourself on the Z list (if there is even one). You know you don't have real friends when you want to pick up the phone and call, you scroll through your contact list more than twice and you don't see anyone to call. I think one knows when friendship doesn't exist, but ignorance just strikes through and overshines the truth, it's little things that matter most. I sometimes wonder if perfect friends last only in movies, where people were friends since at birth, sometimes more than 10 years, and still going strong, and by perfect I mean that there are fights, but in the end they don't seem to matter. One of those moments you don't want a clean slate, because you don't know where to start or how to, but you know you are tired of old written pages. In the end, one has conclusions, but right now I don't because I believe conclusions are not endings but findings, I have not found a thing. Not confussion, just realisation!

The Silent Death

People die and it hurts
But not more than a living body
And a dead soul
The persons' life has become a patent
With no meaning in it
They live for the sake of being there
Physically
But their mind set is already in hell
Mentally
They see no colour only black and grey
Even if their walking across the street and someone murdered
Oh how they wish it were them
The silent death inside a human being
Alive physically
Dead mentally
*By Yamkela Sigwili*
 ....................................................................
I wrote this poem because no one realises all the habbits they carry, this is what goes on behind other peoples minds and lets not let it continue, as soon as your feeling is mutual with this poem, just know something might be wrong, or it might not be 'cause of u, maybe someone you know but still "something might be wrong" and do something about it, poems are not just about a feeling, about hurt nor happiness but about creating awareness too.

The titanic journey...This year started with me having big goals to achieve, but I realised that I rushed to eat the meat when I haven't developed the teeth. I'm walking in a rocky road, I know where I am heading, but I am not sure If I have what requires this path, I still have my backpack (my dreams, passion and the drive) but I'm not sure if I have the keys. I know which door I'm going to, but I have thousands of keys to choose from but that's okay, time is with me. This path is full of emotions, it is not in sequence, I never know what to expect. I feel sadness and being alone, but my concern is why do I have to worry about who is coming along because after all isn't this MY journey? When I look over my neighbourhood, they are calling me to go rest with them and let everything go, I'd like to call them my frienemies, they are those people who don't wish me well, who fool me with their smiles so that I can think it's okay to let go of my dreams. I've come so far to be stopping here, my thoughts, my visions and my imaginations are over there, they are waiting for me to go get them, to live them. This time I not facing a "letting go phase", I'm facing "a left phase", when you thought you knew people and they suddenly leave you, when you are not being appreciated. I didn't stop them, it hurt watching them go, but they have their destiny to land on, they have people awaiting for them to be there since they never cared for me, maybe they learn humanity by those. Even a stapler doesn't put papers together without staples, so don't let the glue in you dry because of people who left your heart open, use that hole to fulfill, you that glue to to mend what is shattered. I'm in a titanic boat that is not sinking, but that is going from left to right, I scream, I laugh, I cry, I smile. I love the feeling, it's an adventure. This time I'm not choosing feelings, I'm not confussing my heart, telling it to be happy when it is really feeling pain or vice versa, I'm just going with the flow. Life is sometimes a fool, you just have to respect it in order to avoid noise, you know you better, so do better. Keep that titanic journey adventurous, nobody wants a daily routine, let it surprise you, shock you, bring tears, after all it can be tears of joy or sadness, or both. Just go with the flow, don't let go, keep walking the path,your dreams, your visions adn your imaginations await.

Reflection of wise words... I grew up with my grandmother, all my life I have called her my mom. She was one loud person, who always wanted everything to be in it's place. I grew up in an environment that is full of respect, she always motivated me to read books. I remember from a very young age she would buy me story books and that was before going to pre-school. It was as if she was preparing me in advance, but little did I think that after growing up I'd still hold on to books without her presence. My writing journey began with just reading, she would buy me small note books and I would draw in them because that is what I loved to do back then. She would always come back from work tired but she always and always had time to listen to what I have learnt, never was she tired of my baby stories. Unlike other kids who grew up having bed time stories read to them, I would sit next to her bed, in my small blue chair and read to her. The look in her eyes told me that I was good. She passed away 18years later and I'm still holding a book, only now that she won't listen to me. Now I don't fit in that little blue chair. Now that she won't lie besides and glance at me. It was just last year when I lost my mom (Grandmother), her teachings are what I'm still learning this very day. She would call me in the mornings and read a verse from the bible to me, at times I'd mourn because I'm sleepy, but how I wish that I could still get that phone call today. When she passed away I wrote her a short poem............................................................. *When I least expect it*....It was only yesterday morning, when I was born, so innocent, knowing nothing of the world, understanding nothing of the word.....It was only yesterday afternoon, when I learnt how things work, what love is, what respect is.....It was only yesterday night, when I was still enjoying being with you and knowing you, loving you and those wise words. When I least expect it today you died!............................................................. She was one neat lady, he church memebers knew her, she would prepare her church uniform a week before, yes immediately after church she would pack her things and put them safe. She always said "you must always prepare your things whilst you still can, no one predicts what is yet to come". She died of two strokes, it was more than she could take. God took her too soon, how I wish my grandchildren could experience such a great feeling of being with her. She was wise, it is not her saying that I remember most, but her doings. She played a huge part of the family, everyone relied on her, I'm not the only one who lost but that doesn't make me profound or fond of death. Pain is scattered from one big piece of love. I miss her...My.....Grand......Ma, yeah she was grand. How I wish I was you, to the one who still has a granny, how I would cherish those moments, how I would pay attention to, how I would find her unboring and how I would laugh to her tales that would cause my stomach to hurt. How I miss her shouting, her joy that made me feel I belong. How I wish I was you, to you who still has one, how I'd hold on to it, for it is a journey worth beholding.

Door of hope...the past few days I faced my worst fear, for the first time I went to audition for poetry. I didn't know what to expect and I just took me as I am. They took me but told me to do a drama piece 'take note, I've never thought about it in my life' you can imagine the rest. I didn't want to show doubt, but I know they felt it, I just did it and I took the part. They loved my guart, they knew it was the first time but they saw potential. Immediately after the audition they put me on a play, I got the leading role, the performance was in two days. Yes I know, first time auditioning for poetry, first time drama, first audience only in TWO days time. The audience loved my role, they believed in my skills. After the play I performed a poem. Finally did it, I've said this before that this is my year. I took the first step, like I've said before that I am willing to learn. The play was fun, it was about a woman named Sibongile (I was playing her role), she had a husband of which she never loved, but loved his money. She had a boyfriend who wasn't working, she supplied everything for him and she was cheating. Sibongile planned with her boyfriend to kill the husband so that they share the money. The boyfriend eventually killed the husband but when he got back, Sibongile was with her husband's bestfriend. They planned it to play both the husband and the boyfriend. She ends up with her husband's bestfriend. The tittle is "Love hurts", to the men it was about love but to the woman it was about the game and money. Moments like these are to be kept in best known places. So today I sit and tell you that when the opportunity throws itself at you, grab it with both hands, you might never know how well it might turn out to be. I learned that and now I am teaching you that. Inner strength is what one should really have, unlike the protective gears that are always on display. Take a chance, we call them "opportunities" because they come once in a while. Believe in yourself, they will too. I didn't know I had it in me, but because I was doing what I love, it began to reveal itself. I only went for poetry auditions, I got drama opportunity too. My first audience, my first time. Fisrt times always out beat the last times. So go on take that baby steps, you will be crawling soon and you will be walking.

I salute thee...since tomorrow it is valentines day, I want to thank and salute the man who gave me nothing but love, my dad. Many men can be fathers but it takes a real man to be a dad. No man had his kindness, many girls are their princesses to their dad's but I was his queen. Gave me tough love at times but he was only showing me the way and look how well it turned out to be (even if I have to say it myself). It's sad that he can't be with me today, that he won't be with me tomorrow, but through it all his love will live on. I want to salute him for his bravery, his strength that kept him through lifes measures. I want to salute him for the type of gentle man he was, he really knew how to treat a lady. I salute him for giving me joy, it's his laughter that remains to the sound of my ears. I want to salute him for his care, always being protective of me. I want to salute him for being himself, that taught me to be me. Not only do we share the same qualities, we share the differences. He was a politician, today I'm a writer who speaks her mind, who knows her goals. I'm glad I took that side of his. I'm a proud daughter because of him having being my dad. I salute him!... I want to salute the woman who had always been there before I could be in this world, I first evolved in her world, my mom. She natured me with her motherly love. I salute her for being a mom, it takes any woman to be a mom but it takes a mother to be a mommy. I salute her sensitivity, the tender hands that helped till I could take over. I salute her beauty, on the inside and out. I salute her for her strength, learning to fight with a sword to save me from lifes cruelties. I salute the woman who would jump off the bridge for her daughter. I salute the woman who stood firm when my dad passed, her inner strength that passed on to me to be strong. Her pain seeing me hurt, I salute her for allowing me to face pain, to not try and take away but let me fight it and watch me survive through it. We all know that pain doesn't come once in this life time, and that even if she could have taken it 1st time around, she wouldn't take it away all the time. I salute her. I salute her for being herself, it will teach me to teach the generation yet to come. I salute thee (dear mom and dad). You both showed that love lives on either dead or alive. It's the experience of pain that one would not wish sadness to someones else and therefore love is left to share, the experience worth not being with held, but left free to conqour. I salute thee!!!

Giving....I've come to realise that giving is actually sharing. True giving is when you don't expect something in return, giving is free of charge, it comes from the richness of heart. No person is poor if they have a wealthy soul. One doesn't need credit for giving, after all credit in accounting is someone you owe, and you don't give because you have to, one gives because they want to, because they can. Giving is a priceless gesture, that costs nothing but gives a fortune of happiness. What the giver receives in return is blessings, it is accomplishments, it is gaining ubuntu (humanity). I give with words, at first I thot I was just spreading words, but the words ran free and affected people, infact they infected a soul and left them like never before. My confussion became your understanding. Give with what you can, don't fake it, it shows. Giving is not even realising that you are giving, because in your mind "you are sharing". It is the not so expensive gifts that makes a soul appreciative, how about giving free gifts of nature. Give a hug to someone, give a smile it will brighten someone's day, help that lady carry her bags, spend time with that person. Share jokes, you giving them joy. No money needed for you to be a giver, but a pure heart is required. Let's open our arms widely, welcome those, accept them for who they are, you are giving them hope, giving them a second chance, giving them love, giving them care. Celebrate the nature of giving, God gave us life, but how do we give back to him in return? By giving something to someone else. Happy giving...

Silly tears caused by meaningful things. Today is the day I hate having a phone, I just wrote a blog saluting my dad and my mom, somewhere along the way when I was publishing it, the phone just went off and lost the whole blog. I know it was a great blog, it was educational, it carried a message of understanding. I just didn't want anything to do with the topic anymore, maybe some day when I got over it. It was not fair, writing is my passion but I love expressing once and let the words spread. Somethings happen for a reason but it was unfair to me and to you guys. Whenever I blog, I want to blog about something that is original, something that one can relate to, I can tackle any topic but there needs to be a relatioship between feeling and that certain topic. Somethings in life can provoke us, no matter how little, we just have to cry about it at times, after all there is nothing that don't pass, if it doesn't then you the one who should move on and that is a lesson learnt today :(

Treasure....our real purpose in life is to find treasure, some of us don't know what we want to be when we grow up, some of us don't know if we have a purpose to life. Truth being is that you are growing and the best you can do is be you, not a certain character, you don't need somebody's reason to know your purpose because you are already in life for a purpose, you just need to discover it. We are all searching for the treasure, when you think of the world as a whole, the chances of finding the treasure are limited, but when you look around you, you have possible chances. We always wonder why God brought us to the places we are at (the country, the family, the city, the town and the environment), it is because he gives us a clue that your treasure is somewhere around you and that you don't have to search the world to get it. Some of us are sitting in front of the treasure box but don't have the key to it, some of us have the key but we don't have the strength to bring ourselves to opening it. Some of us have hope but there is a little doubt. We then realise that our treasure is the discovery of our selves, the key to open is being truthful to you just like a code to a safe, just exactly as the digits are and you should be you, that is how you should be or you will always look at the treasure but wonder what's in it. Don't stare at others, wishing you had that bravery to open it, actually do stare so that you see what it feels like to find your treasure maybe then you will know how to value things in life. Because some things come easy but it's the difficulty that comes with it when you have to keep it.

Birthday Girl...today was my birthday and wow I got so much wishes and love. Since I am a writter, a friend of mine (Phindy) bought me a journal. And that is a a one gift that a writter could be given. Had a blast, ma girls woke me up with some powder on my face and I'm so glad that they didn't do anything drastic. My facebook was buzzing, the phone calls and messages, on whatsapp, on my mxit and on twitter. I trully am greatful for having my friends and family around. A birthday is not just a day of celebration but a day of appreciating, and seeing people appreciate you in their lifes. Was turning 19 years young byt the way, and it's my last year being atee. I'm looking forward to many years to come. And today was just complete, two of my celebrity role models wished me a happy birthday and was really touched. It's nice every now and then to see that your good work is paying off and that you being supported.

Trying.... That feeling of just wanting to give in. That feeling of not having a sense of belonging and trying to involve yourself to where you may not matter. Then rejection hits and feel like you have tried everything, yet you go to places that you know won't satisfy you. Trying is not what should be said after doing something, trying should be something that you are currently doing. You can't say I've tried, that is giving up, better yet a good line for someone who is lying on the death bed. Trying is a practice that requires no education, that don't require knowledge but that requires wisdom. "Knowlegde is knowing what to do, Wisdom is knowing how to do it", so now you have the knowledge of knowing what to do and that is to try, but you haven't got the wisdom of how to do it. Not everything comes with a manual, some things you just have to figure them out. To succeed in life you must be a curious person, that will teach you to not wait for answers to come but ask for them first, to not take the path that is already open, create your own to see where it will take you. Curiousity is key to discovery. The mice had to be traped in order to get the cheese, but it never got to taste it, because death beat it to it. So no one wants to end like that. Just keep on trying, ofcourse some things will distruct you and you will think that you have discouvered a new thing, yet that new thing was distructing you from getting to an old thing, that you have always been trying to get. You were just a feet away, and you let it go, because of the new thing that you still have to try to get to it. Oh gosh, you didn't take steps back, you just jumped the finishing line, and another race begun and you wonder why you never achieve any races, why you never get to finishing lines. You skept about five trophies because you are always striving for something new, if you are you, nothing will be old, it will just be original and that is what makes a legend. Trying and doing are different things that can be the same to careless people, but can be done both by careful people. Just a fine line...that you might cross...so just keep on trying because you are already doing it...get it now?

Pride........pride is a two way street you know the negative and the positive side. It can either go right or well......left (wrong). If you are doing it for them, then you'll live your whole life proving a point. Pride is a good thing, it is a motivation button, where you keep on improving your abilities...to yourself that is. Pride is when you see joy through a mother after graduating, or giving someone else a hand. Too much pride can go left, and too much pride mostly comes from the things that do not belong to you, for instance your parents are wealthy (I don't like the word rich), and you are on a high level and saying "we are rich" (the rich word is for people who got an ego), hun you are not rich your provider is, the person who earns the money. Pride is when you show gratittude, when you are being thankful. Pride is from within and you don't always have to show it, you know it and they might know it too ,so why over do it? Too much pride is from level 1 to level 5 without having experienced level 2,3 and 4. You must know all the stairs, we all know that once in a while you fall. So how will you know what equipment to use to get back on, if you cheated? When everyone uses the word "pride" it often follows a bad comment, and in most cases it is true. Why not give them a reason to keep on guessing? It is not what you say that will be remembered, it is what you do, and you must do YOU, in order to become the best (one of the best advices that my role model has given me). And that my dear friend is pride...in a good manner. Pride doesn't have to be a bad thing, so stop over doing it and just be PROUD.

Big Dreamer....... Being a big dreamer takes a lot of effort, the creavitity behind it, those visionary and crazy idea. Sometimes I get to ask myself if are my dreams bigger than me. Don't tell me about reality, it is what I eat, what I breath, what I speak and what I live. Fantasy is what puts me in a calmer place, where butterflies get to fly free, only people who matter are in it. Do you sometimes feel that you are too quick for your dreams? Well hun there is no fast or slow pace, no age restrictions, no limits. A big dreamer is one brave person, they are like the farmers who plant seeds in the garden, water them everyday and watch them daily as they grow. Okay I always say I am a big dreamer but I never really share with you guys in detail. (Here are some from my list) Well dream number 1 = Is to finish my studies at varsity, having a platform to fall on. Dream number 2= publish my book (and other books yet still to come). Dream number 3= become a professional poet. Dream number 4= own a craft book company/project, where memories are kept in most fun ways. You see when I plant my seeds, I plot carefully. The dream goals are a link to each other. I don't look at one direction, but however my directions are related like South and North, West and East. They rhym, they form a sum and equals to a square, a balance. What I'm trying to tell you is that dream so big that they laugh in your face, dream so big like the universe evolves around you then prove them wrong and have the last laugh, not because it's pay back time, but because you are ripping the fruits that you planted. If you are not a dreamer and wish you had something to dream about, just take an odd thing, like what you like eg. A watermellon, it's so big, it's tasty, juicy, enough to share, enjoyable and it has fascinating colours. That is all the ingredients you need in the world. Know your passion, show compassion, come to realisation. You are worth your dreams after all, so do dream big. With all the laws out there that are sometimes hard to remember, do remember this, that you are allowed to dream. Q= Are your dreams bigger than you? A= you are as big as your dreams.

Giver Sister ..................................................... A sister that is true... A sister that is you... Bound together through our beliefs... Bound together through our hopes and dreams... .................................................................. We are in a valley... Of possibilities... What a lovely view... Each lilly represents opportunities... Of everyone of you... ................................................................. I took a walk today... With a giver... My sister... A walk that turned into a jurney... ................................................................. Today is not here to stay... Today is here to take me to tomorrow... Tomorrow ofwhich will turn today into yesterday... ............................................................. A giver was confussed... But a giver was given a hand... Now a giver understands... ................................................................ A sister is standing tall... All accessories on... A jacket of confidence... And a perfume of presence...

Taking some time off..... I know it's been days not blogging but even a writer can not disclose everything, when a writer gets a visitor (either pain or happiness) you just want to hold to in, you wait for the ink to dry, you enjoy the moment, you pay attention to it. If it's a difficult situation you don't just tell the equation but you find your way around it then give a solution to free a reader, to not wonder but understand. Sometimes the feelings are undiscribable and we search for words to say, it's not that the words are lost or gone or forgotten but simply because they are all there and you just don't know which one to use. Some people take time off to restore something or get rid of something, I take the time of to restore and get rid of something. It's amazing how "or" and "and" can change a sentence, like "If I could" and "I will". The positivity that comes with it and the negativity that is left behind. Sometimes one gets tired and just wants to forget about it all, but it often finds a way back and that shows that you can't escape it, you simply just have accept it. They say you don't choose your destiny, true but I'd like to add that you do choose your jurney, which ever road you pick will lend you where your destiny will be waiting. You just have to choose your jurney carefully because one route is enjoyable, one route is unbarable, the other is just in between. So don't take the perfect one because you might never learn anything, don't take the imperfect one because you may only know one side of a coin. Take the one that has the mixture because you have a lot to learn and you don't know which one your destiny will require. When you get a house, you renovate it and turn it into a home, so that you get the comfortability. Wherever you may go wherever you are take that house and make it a home, because not only does it belong to you but to those who are yet still to come. Taking some time off doesn't neccesarily mean you are left off the track but it just means you were not participating in the race, you were just on the side way. Only you know your limit and therefore never be intimidated by people who tell you that you are a loser because you know your strength. They are doing it for the audience and you know that you are doing it for you, for it is YOUR jurney after all.

YamkyFunkyChaz: Slave of pain...... Hi my name is soul, I dwel in ...

YamkyFunkyChaz: Slave of pain...... Hi my name is soul, I dwel in ...

Slave of pain...... Hi my name is soul, I dwel in the environment of life, I am not seen, I live inside a human beings body. All my life I have been a slave of pain, nobody gets affected by me, I clean the eyes, I heal the heart, but the dirt stays with me, bruises live with me. Pain is my master and therefore I do not question it, I bow down and I tell it everyday that I need it. Withought pain I am nothing. I watch these human beings use me, help is offered but they turn it down, because they know that the "soul" will will bare it all. Why should help be offered, these human beings don't give a damn, help should be given, without expecting anything in return. Life is my hood you know, I just love how it teaches these people, lessons of life are tough but the toughest is that I get to share with the human beings. I am not sure in what part of a body I live in, toes? they step on them they quickly reach for their feet, pain comes to me, heart? It gets broken and the glasses plit on me and I get the scars, head? they say bad things, the body part named ear gets to hear it but it still lands on me. What about me? Who cares about me, I am trapped in here, as long as this body lives, I shall share the sorrows, I shall carry the burdens. I am a slave, and that makes me angry and I become very dangerous. Since I am attached in every part, I plot a plan. I fill the head with non-sense, I make the heart feel useless, and as usual the human body gets weak and wants to escape, the only way is through death, ha ha I love it when it comes to that. Murder yourself, take your life away, take me away, your soul. You see it doesn't have to come to that, let me be my own master, set me free and I shall return the favour. Take me anywhere and I will always be there. Talk to me and I will listen, but if you listen to me too. How can I help when I am set as a prisoner? I am a slave, the soul, I carry burdens, pain. I dwel in dark places, light makes me blind because I am used to worshiping you. Don't you get it? Set me free and you'll be setting yourself free.

My SOUTH AFRICA...............The country has been through a lot, many jurneys that we do not know of because some paths faded. Is it because of the new generation? Are we to blame? Apartheid existed long before we were born. We hear stories of what had happened, but some of us are still left in the dark. We have seen movies such as Sarafina, yes they were educational but the youth still focusses on the present, they don't see the use to dwell in the past. At times I wish I was born in the past, the olden games that the children used to play seem so enjoyable, the type of dances that came straight from the heart, the respect that existed between mother and daughter, father and son. How grandmother's did not use chairs but use what we call "iSicamba" (a mat made with grass) in Xhosa. Where there would be close relationship between grandmother and grandchild, sharing tales, being taught, do the beading together. Young girls would go to the forest to get wood, so that they prepare supper. How they would giggle and share silly things in the river whilst caring water and some doing the laundry. There were no televisions to disturb them, but there existed an enemy. An enemy that distroyed families, apartheid created divisions, destroyed what was built. The belongings of those were taken away. Now do I still wish I was born in those times?. Where now I'd be a young domestic worker, who worshiped "oMadam", who had already been married with kids, a husband to see once a month, either than now that I am at school, getting good education, young, not a mother, working towards my goals. We don't seem to show interest of what happened in the past, but do we think about the people who lost their family members? It is not going to benefit our lives, because our lives have already been benefitted by the people who died for us, people who fourt for the innocent souls yet to be born. They did not just foccuss on the present, they thought of us even before our existence. We are given choices to choose what subjects to take, what schools to attend, they did not have any choice, they decided to end it. They gave us better ulternatives...a bit of you must be interested in history now... Can you imagine what kind of life we would be having if it was not for them. I'm too afraid to mention names because I might not include them all. Such selfless people. Hearing about apartheid makes my heart heavy, but for those who fourt against it have light hearts because they see us having much choices. Son's grew up without their father figures because they went far away to provide for them, today father's play with their son's soccer. Why should we worry about the past? So that we know history, we understand struggles, we learn about the sacrifices, all in all to appreciate what we have today, they are not asking much, just one thing....to be greatful. Is it too much freedom that we having? Today a young girl is allowed to make abortion without a parent having the knowledge of it, is that what was fourt for. I am not against it, but it is over used. Sometimes we don't choose paths, they are made for us. They went through them bare feet, they bled, badly bruised, but they made it. Are you still thinking of giving up? When we go home "ezilalini" (rural erears) we complain because there is no electricity, water is fetched from far places. We don't realise the beauty of the mountains, the green fields, the rivers that flow. My South Africa, my pride, my home. Racism existed now not anymore, hatred risen now we share love. Today the black and white can hold hands, better yet hug, finally came to realisation that we are one. My South Africa, a country with a history, a country full of hope, freedom is our asset, we own it. Viva SA viva, ma fist is held up high, not to show anger, not to start fights, but to show victory, to show peace and to show togetherness. Unity can never collapse, no one to destroy it beacause we are all united.

I know the year has already started but I would like to talk about it. I love how people have new year's resolutions, it gives hope and some excitement. Never in my life have I pledged for something, I've always seen everything the same, the only thing I thought was different is that it's just a change of the title "2012". Last year(2011) really got to me, I discovered somethings. There was something different about this year .......:)....... I made a resolution, something I never in a million years did I think I'd consider. Now I believe that it's true when they say "each person has their year", I feel like it's my year "20self". I had always lived my life on peoples expectations and almost begging for them to believe in me. This year is all a twist, I do believe that I will make it, I am a person who is always willing to learn. You know when you have a nightmare, it haunts you even on a daily light, my dream haunts me to make it happen. It feels like a must, a monster that I cannot control. Not do it because I want to be known, but do it because I want to heal, give hope, be an example of good. I met the love of my life, I am not rushing into anything, I am more than inspired to be patient as this love is patient with me. You know when I left high school, I didn't know who I was, untill six months down the line when I realised that my talent is worth of something. Even thou I didn't believe much in myself then, I still kept on doing what I love, it never stopped me, never left me. At times I get so scared that I chase it away, but it always finds its way to come in. At times it says nothing, and I stare at it. I used to plan with a crowed, but the crowed would back out, I was so afraid to face it alone but that got me nowhere, I've learnt to hold the knife by the blade. I plan alone but I want to share with the crowed. At times when you look back, you asked "why" with tears flowing down, and now you looking forward and saying "this is why" with a smile. I am a visionary, I think of what is impossible but still enjoy it because it adds to my positivity, I know it won't come out as I visioned it but it will be something similar. I am brave enough to take on the universe, I have small tools, I will be picking up some along the way but hey I will be working towards to building my FR (FantasyReality). Do you feel that this year is yours too? Are you brave enough to take the world heads on? I don't care how small it is, you are making progress and you are making it happen. Make sure you are not doing it for them, make it for you. Be selfless at it and think about those,they need people like you in their world, be visible. YamkyFunky on the go....

So when I thought I was giving up, something hit me. I was watching one of my favourite shows on tv today, and enjoying it as usual, but something was different. One of my role models was on the show. I love poetry and I have never met someone who is as passionate or who writes poetry. Sisi Lebogang Mashile is the most greatest poet. I know Xhosa doesn't fit in it, but I have so much respect for her. I was just having an ordinary day, until I saw her on screen, by the time I was cooking and I just didn't want to move, I almost burnt my pots. Whilst watching the show, I got a call from my friend, and she said "Lebo Mashile is talking about you, talking to you my friend" and that really touched me beacause she is one of the few friends who support me on my writing and especially poetry. Sisi Lebo is more than an inspiration (I'm growing to see that), she is my motivator. Sometimes it's hard being the only child, especially when you dream so big like I do. I am never a lonely person when I have my pen and paper. She warms my heart and she is a sweet person. Like I said the other day that technology really brings us closer to our favourite celebs and I am forever greateful. When someone is successful for me it is never about the success but the struggle behind it, because the story is what keeps one going. It's hard to describe the feeling or her (sisi Lebo). I have many role models but none are like her, I sometimes feel that "maybe it's because we have a lot in common" lol. She is natural and beautiful. Sisi Lebogang adds more colour to my grey days she always completes the dots because when I put a full stop, she somehow puts another dot to the full stop to show me that there is still a lot to be said/ to be done. 2012 is my year, I feel it. A year of possibilities, poets take jurney's that are never taken by other people not even by other poets but somehow we cross along the paths. She is the light, some love her because she is famous, some love her because she is beautiful, some love her because she has "that" voice, I love her because she is.